Tag Archives: Logen

Back to Work

16 Jan

Emily and I at a club in Houston. I absolutely miss the stupid fun nights we used to have!

Well, leave was fun. I pretty much had a complete blast, but now it’s been a couple of weeks and I’m right back in the thick of it until May. May cannot come soon enough. Every day I wake up and wonder “What am I doing?” At night, I actually hate going to sleep because the thought of tomorrow sounds so awful and I want to avoid it at all costs. I have progressed to a point in between apathy and just existing.  Now, I know that might sound like a desperate sign of giving up, but I mainly am just trying to coast through to the end of this. Right now, if I failed out of the program and was re-rated, I would be happy. I would, however, be more happy if I made officer. Still working on that process, but as before the Navy, it’s a complicated one.

That said, I’ve been doing pretty overall. My grades are okay and I’m still making enough effort to get by, even if I don’t really care about what I’m learning right now. I really did need that leave to give me a break from this place, and it was everything I could have imagined. I got to see Emily, Lizz, and Logen in Midland; Stephanie, Christian, Jesse, Rob, and my aunt and uncle Cathy and Dennis in San Antonio; Kayla, Brennan, and Andi in Austin; Emily, Jason, Eleina, and Dee Dee in Houston; my relatives and my grandma in Dallas. I almost saw my middle school friend Pierce in Houston as well, but his girlfriend got bit by a rabid animal. That’ll happen. I even almost made it to a New Years Eve party to see Tully and the gang, but I missed that. Heard he broke his arm being hammered. Ouch.

HIGHWAY TO THE DANGER ZONE.

This weekend has been a needed relief too. I don’t know how I will string together my sanity to get through Power School, but I’d like to personally thank MLK for having a dream, so that I could sleep in and have a dream myself. I managed to just hang out and have a good time this weekend, not working too much, and seeing a little of the Charleston sights with (my boy) Kapoi. We hit up the USS Yorktown, which I have been wanting to do for a while. Pretty badass. We had planned to see Ft. Sumter but it was way too cold to deal with that ferry ride.

Today was just sleeping in and work, but tomorrow is another fun exam over things I don’t care about. About one or two exams a week every week until I get out of here. The only good thing is that I will have a good amount of padding points wise to scrape by. I already threw the honorman out of the window, so I’ll be shooting for passing. (I’m not just good, I’m good enough.)

I’ll try to keep updating this, but man, I really don’t do anything. I feel like the weeks blur by and it’s all a game about passing time. When you sleep as little as I do now, you’re never really awake and never really asleep.

Merry Christmas

25 Dec

Jimenez, Pendy, Stemps, and Me

I’ve been home on leave for a few days but I never find time to update this thing like I would have liked to. Since I’ve been here it’s been pretty non-stop trying to see everyone and balance family time as well. I’m just so glad to not be in Charleston.

I finally got to spend some good time with Lizz since we only briefly saw each other last time. As well, I got to meet up with Logen for a few minutes for the first time in such a long time.

I’ve also decided to spend the rest of leave traveling around Texas to see everyone else: Steph and Christian in San Antonio, Brennan in Austin, Emily in Houston, and family in Dallas. Probably a few other stops too. We’ll see!

White Christmas

Today it’s Christmas. I think I actually did good on the gift situation this year, so that made me feel good. I like to give books because I know I can match people’s personalities. Still haven’t done Christmas (we’re doing it later because my brother working and general family logistics). It’s actually a white Christmas, my first ever. Never seen so much snow come from the sky — I’m impressed, and a little grossed out. Cold weather is not my thing.  So happy I brought my peacoat.

Anyway, I am just trying to use my time wisely. So not looking forward to my return. I will be absent from Jan. 2nd until May 25, assuming I can survive that long.

Doing the Marathon

21 Feb

The courtyard, complete with random chickens

Actually, I think if I tried to run a marathon I’d either die from exhaustion or just sheer boredom. How do people run for more than half a marathon? Even with ESPN on in front of me, I still get too bored and distracted.

But I digress: this post is about Marathon, Texas, a town in the middle of nowhere that borders on the Big Bend National Park. This is a really nice area for when you want to get away from doing anything at all, largely because you can do nothing except explore, sit, and drink. It manages to gather together a fairly eccentric group of people from all around the world. This time we found a bunch of Canadians, Yankees, and even a German, all of whom I assume were escaping the cold. It’s always fun to sit around the fire and talk to random people about random things; in fact, this is one of my strong suits, and I definitely get it from my dad, who apparently can make friends with anyone, anywhere.

The famous white buffalo from the Gauge Hotel. He looks a little down. Maybe it's because he never fit in as a kid, or maybe just because he got his ass shot

Way back when, this was my spring break in 2008 but this time we did less exploring and more sitting around and drinking. Doing nothing is occasionally very good, though I ended up feeling a like I needed a break for my break by the end of it (a phrase I liked and stole from Logen this morning).

It was still a good break from the routine. I largely do the same thing every single day; the same repetitious physical tasks. I’m now really, really good at doing what I do, but apart from that, I am pretty tired of it. Ready for May to roll around and the Navy to send me out. Ready to end up in Charleston, South Carolina and give that a go. Kind of hard to be motivated to go to the gym every day because it’s got so boring. Maybe I should try that P90X thing to keep it varied? My friend Josh has it and I just need to go pick it up. But then I’d be pissed at paying the gym fee and not using it. Yes, this is really the deep kind of debate I have with myself. (That and what gas station I’ll pick for lunch. Try the FIRST Stripes when you get into Crane, TX and you’ll be in for a delicious liver and gizzard treat!)

The following weeks still should be good. Still working on figuring out a date for visiting Emily, but March is pretty full and April is rough for her, so I’ll have to mess around and see what I can get arranged. And visit Sam in his million dollar crash Manhattan crash pad, as soon as he gets it. Gotta do all this before May, and it’s getting sooner.

I had to delay things a little since I got another speeding ticket. I actually don’t care too much since it was just 200 dollars and I can’t take that awful waste of my soul class, but it did mean I got the fun Navy lectures and got to fill out a sheet basically saying I’ll never speed again, ever. Military loves their paperwork.

For now though, that’s it. I spend a good part of my day thinking that I should update this, but I rarely have much to say that’s interesting, and even when I do update it, I don’t find it all that interesting when I see all of the awesome things my friends are doing with their lives.

Except Dan.

December

5 Dec

Our Christmas tree, and I didn't even have to help put it together

December for me usually just means it’s freezing cold and I’m in Midland for the holidays. Now that I’m living here for who knows how long until the Navy lets me figure out my future, I have just kind of faded into this month — there aren’t any finals or big parties to announce it at school, and now this is my life. I try not to hate on Midland too much (oh wait, no I don’t), but last Thursday I think everything finally got to me. I was having one of those days where you just think “how much more of this can I take”, and it was compounded by the frustrations of the preceding days. As well, not knowing what is going on in my life is really hard when I can barely afford my student loans, my job was supposed to be temporary, and I have to be here just in a holding pattern until I find out.

Honestly, things have not been good at home. I think the holidays stress out everyone a little more than usual, but honestly, this is just stuff that has gone on for years and we don’t really address it. My parents worry me, both of them, but especially my mom. I don’t think she knows what she’s saying to me or what she’s said to me pretty much since we moved to Magnolia around ten years ago. On Wednesday she called me “the meanest, most hateful, critical person she has ever met” after I told her that she has been asking the same questions over and over (presumably brooding about something in her mind). I don’t know, maybe I shouldn’t take things like that personally, but this is my mom. There’s more to this situation, but I won’t get into it.

I'm a gangster, or an oil field worker sick of dust.

So, on this Thursday I was already upset by the fighting at home, and then I managed to get H2S gassed pretty good and lost my breakfast from the stuff (it makes me really sick to my stomach, for some reason; my dad shrugged this off like I was just weak, but whatever). And then the next unit I went to had yellow jackets inside the panel, meaning as soon as I opened it they got completely pissed. I tried to go back to it to close it, but they were too angry, leading me to have to wrap up in every piece of winter clothes I could find to try to protect myself to go in for a quick run and get my ladder back and get the unit sealed up. I managed to do it, though I did get stung and was covered in them when I was scrambling to get into my truck. Just not a fan of these things. So they next unit I go to — same deal, full of yellow jackets. And this is the day that I ran out of wasp spray while I was spraying them. Not a very good situation to be in, trust me. Basically, the whole day turned out to be a complete bust and I was driving home just thinking about how I didn’t want to go home, but I didn’t want to be at work, but I had to do both things in one day.

The most exciting thing of the week: I got lost in the field and found the remains of Hobbs AFB, complete with old plane parts and grown up runways.

Somehow the day ended and things were better the next day. The wind had died down so I didn’t need a bandanna to keep from choking on the dust, and it was strangely something like 85 degrees. Some December this is turning out to be. I know because I said this we’ll have record cold temperatures now. I even spent some time at my brother’s and played some video games, which was nice for a change. Yes, this is about as close to going out as I get lately.

I’m excited for people I like coming into town for a few days. Change things up and refresh my sanity. I’m also hopeful that this coming week I will find out what the Navy will do with me so I can know for sure where I’m going, when I’m going, and what I’m doing. I need something to look forward to, and these are the two things that keep me going. I also need some structure that isn’t this structure. That is my hope on the horizon.

17 December 2008

17 Dec

It's pretty massive for a dorm room

I had been meaning to update this. I’ve been home for almost a week, which is pretty legit. I’ve done nothing so far, which is also pretty legit. I’ve signed up for Netflix so I basically lay in bed watching movies all day for free on my huge TV. I can’t ask for a ton more, actually.

It’s surprising that I’ll be out of the country soon. I’m glad to be done with school for this semester. Between the horrible deli gig, my weird love life, and my shitty grades, it will be nice to move past that. Too bad this semester will kick my GPA’s ass. How awesome. I managed to do minimal work for most of the semester, but I actually did put in work to these upper level communication classes. But they all give B’s at best and C’s at worst. And I’ve been getting a lot of that worst stuff. I even withdrew from a class.

Is this what college is all about? Hating it? Learning nothing? Memorizing? I certainly hope not, but then again it keeps seeming this way more and more. When was it supposed to change? I should have went to a state school and coasted by.

Whatever, I hope that Australia is extremely awesome and it makes up for this bland semester. Tomorrow I may get to see someone I’ve missed. I want to take portraits.

2 December 2008

2 Dec

It was.

So, now it’s already December. This semester is wrapping up. That is kind of nice, and kind of scary, as usual. The amount of work I have due on December 8th is pretty much ridiculous and I’m definitely not looking forward to it. That said, once I’m done I can go home and relax until early Febuary when I leave for Perth. It’s almost a done deal, and I can’t imagine what would stop it from going through. I’ve heard rumors that it’s a good situation for American guys. I will have to report on that later, though.

I’m quitting work on the 9th. I really haven’t worked much. They offered me a position as a night manager, but I doubt that I would really want to put up with the kids anyway. I’m the oldest guy there, which is sort of sad. The pay is horrible, but it was able to finance a lot of party goods and video games. I will be glad to quit, though.

As usual, I met another person who makes me happy. I sent her my camera. I hope she likes it. This girl is fascinated with birthdays, something that are rarely a big deal in my life. She goes to the extent of remembering half birthdays. In the period of one day, she sent me more cards than I’ve received in the last three or four years. That is pretty shocking. Cards are expensive too, so she must have went all out.

I think I may get some wine or something tomorrow. All we have is rum, which is fine, I suppose. But I do like being able to sip on alcohol instead of pounding shots. I should pick up some cigars too; make it a classy evening.

I’m in a genuinely bad mood lately. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s the lack of sleep or maybe it’s something else. Sometimes I just feel like laying in bed all day. I did this a lot during freshman year, but I think that was more drug induced laziness than I am now. I hardly do anything “bad” anymore. I don’t even drink much.

I talked to Logen again recently. After things went sour, I suppose things are held together enough to make it through the holidays on a speaking basis. I miss her. Of everyone on this planet, she knows more about me. And, ironically, she’s been a relatively small portion of my life. A good friend, and definitely one I couldn’t ever stand to lose.

Work wore me down. It’s time to go to bed.

4 May 2008

4 May

I think I have a problem

Well, it’s finally May and I’m almost done. Just this week of finals and I can go home and relax for a day before I start work. Hopefully I make a ton of money this summer to cover next year’s purchases. The biggest setback in terms of money this year hasn’t even been party expenses but rather videogames. I probably bought 6 games (6 x 60 = 360 dollars!) and I think I came into school with about 180 dollars. Weird how I managed that one. Lots of well placed bets and credit card payments. That said, I recently bought Grand Theft Auto 4, which happens to be amazing. It really threw off my ability to get these final papers done. On top of the already huge feelings of indifference towards these classes, along with the desire to get out of school at all costs, this game has come along and crushed any will I had to work. I will probably be suffering the consequences of this later, but I don’t really find myself caring. I just want out.

In other news, that special girl I found turned to not be so special. Figures. This sort of thing always happens. Reading this journal is like a comedy because I always mention people who end up being little importance in my life. I suppose that Logen has been my most dependable real life friend. She’s been with me since 2003 and she still hasn’t got rid of me. I miss her.

14 August 2006

14 Aug

I guess I should repeat that last post: ____ was a blur. July was, at least. To recap, I turned 18. I did fun things for my birthday like update my driver’s license and set up some bank accounts. Very fun. Otherwise, that’s a recap of July as far as I know.

But since this is August, I should get to the exciting August news. I met with Logen, which was nice. I got signed on to deviantART as creative staff (and we’ll see how that goes). I think I’ve probably got the best boss in the world… although, now I feel afraid to act like myself around the community. I finally got a new door, one that isn’t a folding one, installed in the place where the old one was violently broken from its hinge. Privacy for three solid days.

While installing the door, I sliced my finger up pretty nicely on a wood chisel. Basically, it’s a super sharp knife — it cuts through wood, it cuts through flesh even easier. So while I finally got it to stop bleeding, the bandaid had to stay on or else the bleeding would start anew. At this point, my finger looks disgusting. Absolutely disgusting. I don’t even want to explain how waterlogged, destroyed, and inflamed this thing is. Well, I guess I sort of just did. Regardless, it’s 7:38 AM and this thing hurts so bad I can’t sleep. Ouch.

In other news, college is three days away. How weird is that? I started this log in my freshman year, and here it is, time to leave. I’ll probably still continue this log to some extent, but its main purpose was to convey how much I absolutely hated high school. No wait, hate high school; that feeling of sickness will always be with me. My mom has taken off this entire week, and she’s starting to freak out. She picked up smoking again. Well, that’s just great. Hopefully she will stop soon. My dad keeps saying “X days left! You’ll be in college,” — and that pisses my mom off to no end. “Nailing the coffin shut!”

Maybe she’s right in a way. Nailing it shut. Guess I’ll need to bring a crowbar back with me for the summer.

7 February 2005

7 Feb

Gotta love The Donnas. I’ve been doing some thinking, and I think everything lately is the result of a stupid handwriting test. I was encouraged to take it by a friend, and I thought it would be a neat waste of time. Amazing what handwriting can show about a person, it seems. My handwriting is the core of myself and, man, how much more depressing can it get? I’m a lonely, frustrated (mentally, and physically frustrated [in relation to women]), I’m overly sarcastic, and I’m sarcastic towards myself. I have no self-respect or self-image and I pretty much suck in general. Well, that’s the summary, at least.

So maybe, let’s just take this hypothetically, I’ve always been this way? Or have I changed my handwriting after Magnolia? Well, being me, I pulled my old notebooks full of who I “used to be”. And, it’s the same way. May just be that situation kind of tapped a nerve with me. Who knows, really.

And this time of the year is always the hardest for me. There’s always something to make things depressing. Haven’t talked to Amber and Ali has completely gone away. Heather will end up as a stripper and lose herself once again to drugs, I fear. And the other girl’s, the ones that read this journal, well, I won’t say too much about their futures.

If Logen isn’t enough for me, who is? You know, that was my ultimate definition of what a girl should be. I’m sure I’ll look back on this in five years (if I last that long) and think that I was just a confused kid. And, I am. I hate reading these things later. Shows how much I was an idiot. And this is one of my problems, my main problem: I beat myself up over the past. I will continue to do this, forever. It’s a part of me, I recognize that. I still remember certain things from my life, that I will never let myself forget.

Lying to my Karate instructor, for example. That whole thing seems so trivial now, but I hate myself for being such a little kid. What was I, ten? Who cares? But, it’s the later events that get to me even more. I can’t stand it. Gun barrel, cocking the arm, trying to remember who I was. Maybe a cry for help?

And I couldn’t help myself from thinking, “Man, this is really beautiful. Such a neat end to it all. And the lighting, the shadows, my messy looks and bloody white shirt, the light reflecting off of the mirror from outside”. It would really have made a good picture. And I thought that last night, remembering it a little bit more clearly than usual.

Constantly, when I close my eyes, all I can see is violence. It never really goes away. I made the comparison last night: a ball on an elastic string. You can push it away, but the more you do, the faster it comes back in the end when you accidently let go. And, the bruises just don’t go away when you beat yourself up for being, well, yourself. It’s collective.

And, I’ve still been thinking, that maybe there isn’t a point. And that I shouldn’t have to carry this burden anymore. I wish that moving took me away from my lives. All of them. Kingwood, where I was still the kid; Magnolia, where I was still the kid; Midland, where I am still the kid. And I still think that you wouldn’t understand me completely, as I sure the hell can’t. I joke about who I was, and my experiences, but… they just hurt me.

The conclusion to all this thinking. I hate myself. I’m ugly on the inside, even more than on the outside. My mind is ruined and I’ll never be the same. I can’t move on, I can’t get over it. It’s not a part of me to “get over” anything.

But in a few weeks, I’ll be happy again. This is just a temporary thing. One of those things I’ll look back on and beat myself up for being such an emotional little crybaby. Any idea what’s wrong with me?

In other news, Lorelei said I wouldn’t work. Maybe this is largely a flaw on my part. Yet another “no”. Apparently, I looked incredibly unhappy today at school, as everyone asked me what was wrong. Even people on the phone did. I suppose I iniciated the conversation in which she told me no on Logen’s suggestion. Maybe a good idea on my part, but otherwise, a terrible pain as well. Everyone I like falls through the cracks. If only I was better, she’d probably like me. But, I guess I’m just another nothing special that she briefly experimented with. Which is bullshit. Called it “leading” me on. Well, I call it fucking me over, actually. Well, I’m still her friend, but she should have realized not to go that way if she didn’t want to hurt me. “No” is a word best said at the start of things, not later on. At least with me. Maybe other guys are used to it, but when I pick somebody, I have my own damn reasons and if you can’t realize that I am not like other guys, well, you’re blind.

I’d care for her, since I really enjoy her. She’s everything I want. And I don’t want much, but what I do want is so rare. I also told Lorelei that Logen and herself are similar because of their differences. They don’t realize it, but it’s quite true. Lorelei has a social disorder in large part, but also her nature, it’s a disorder on all levels. But it was formed after some time of living, like her terribly unskilled lying. Unlike Logen, who has her personality because she is naturally that way. Think chemical and physical changes: completely different, but they can produce the same results in the right conditions.

I guess that I should go ahead and stop saying everything now. Not doing much good, but I feel shattered. Which is why I watched red water for a quarter hour last night. And today, I wonder why I feel bad.

And, no, I’m fine. I’ll be fine. This isn’t as depressing as it seems… you aren’t living it. :P

23 December 2004

23 Dec

It's still on my night stand

Two updates, at least. Nothing is actually new, as usual.

But, I enjoy my Christmas gift. Perfect on my nightstand to wake up to.

← Older Entries

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.