Tag Archives: nerdy

How to Churn Out a College Essay & All My Awful Essays

17 Nov

Sorry for the super long title and what I’m sure will be a super long post. Basically, I was thinking about what I learned in college and I just kept thinking about the song “I Love College” by Asher Roth — a lot of partying and social things, but not a lot of actual, tangible facts that I can pull from my head. I think my philosophy minor taught me that I don’t actually know anything, meaning college was essentially the experience of learning that I know nothing (read my last essay listed on this page). Sorry, that’s an aside.

 

Me not writing an essay. Mission accomplished.

The real point of this post is something that I learned how to do really well in college: churn out an essay. Notice that I’m not saying write an essay. This is more out of grinding process where words just manifest in nonsensical and only vaguely related ways for ten pages. The following, in a simple 7 step form, is what professors don’t want you to know, what they don’t want you to write, and what will make you graduate with a 3.5 GPA without spending almost any time writing stupid papers for classes you have little to no interest in. Yes, these papers will suck. Yes, if you do this you lack scholastic integrity. Yes, you can get back to partying with your friends.

 

  1. Read your essay guidelines that usually suggest topics for you to write. I’m going to choose an actual topic from my senior year, but this method works for any subject or discipline as you will soon see. “Analyze a thematic style from a classic film director studied in this course.” Boom. Okay, find something easy that people will have obviously wrote about in the past. So, I chose “suspense in Alfred Hitchcock movies”. I know, this is an easy example — sometimes essays are harder in those upper level philosophy courses and with those you have to get much more creative in part two…
  2. Immediately get online with your school’s library and choose a database listing. I think my favorite is Academic Search Complete because it’s got something like 50 databases in one. Make sure to check all of the databases so you search everything. So first, enter in “Suspense” and then “Alfred Hitchcock”. You might also find out what movies he has directed and then use “Suspense” and “Movie Name” to find those too, if you’re looking for particular films. Make sure to check “Full text available” on your search”
  3. Click search, and then open about 20 sources and read their little descriptions. If they sound relevant, download the PDF files to a folder so you can get to them easily again. (I also like to check that the PDF articles are searchable when I preview them: who the hell wants to actually read these things to find content? You can search for suspense or whatever and find quotes faster.) You’ll also, at this point, want to make sure you have a RefWorks account (just Google it, but it’s usually provided through your school). This site takes those articles you’re searching and compiles your Works Cited page. Because who the hell wants to try to figure out MLA, APA, ASA or whatever formats? I didn’t, so I just let this site do it for me. You’ll see an “export to Refworks” icon on almost all databases, or something similar. You’re in college, figure it out.
  4. So now, gather the top 10 or however many sources you need, open then, read them if you have to, or just search the PDFs (control + f) for things you need. I take five or six quotes from each article about my topic and past them in a Word document. Make sure to write down page numbers so you can cite them in your paper without having to look at the articles again.
  5. Now you want to make a framework for your paper based on your quotes. Look at what they have in common or don’t have in common. Use this to establish three broad topics, and for each topic, three subtopics. This will give you enough BS to write about to go for several pages. So, for example, three topics in this case can be individual movies, and the subtopics can be how suspense is used in each of the movies (three examples or three different approaches). Something like that. You’ll figure it out as you start pasting it what fits or doesn’t fit.
  6. Write your paper. So from here, write a brief introduction that is probably where the paper will go, then start filling in ways to bridge the quotes. My formula is usually quote, two sentences about the quote, another quote, two sentences, and so on.
  7. Add more filler until you reach your page/word quota. Print it out and turn it in (because professors live in 1910 apparently) or e-mail it to the super future professors who use this advanced technology. If you’re struggling on the filler, you can always blatantly cheap. Google the period trick, which is the best way to gain a page or so when you write a paper.

So, you might be wondering how is this possible? Am I making this up? No, I’m not, and it’s really possible because I certainly did it just like I explained it. I was able to churn out the worst, yet acceptable, papers in just a few hours. So, provided below is every paper I wrote in college at Trinity University. I don’t care what you do with these essays. Use them as a reference, laugh at them, print them out and turn them in as your own (I feel like that might be kind of stupid, but hey, I don’t think many professors actually check).

As an aside, some of these classes I really enjoyed a lot, and, in general, those papers have more interesting content because I had some enjoyment from the class. I’ve denoted those classes with an asterisk after the course title.

AIS 3180 – Introduction to Aboriginal Studies (Murdoch University, Perth, Western Australia)
Presentation (Aboriginal Art and Community)
Essay (Importance of Aboriginal Studies)

ANTH 1301 – Introduction to Anthropology
Essay – Final Paper (Avocado Production Chain)

ANTH 2310 – Human Evolution*
Essay – Final (Zoo Project)
Project Review

ANTH 3327 – Contemporary Minorities
Presentation – History of Marginalization
Essay – Final Paper

ANTH 3394 – Seminar in Forensics*
Essay – Final (Ballistics Trauma to the Skull)
Presentation (Ballistics Trauma to the Skull)

ANTH 4362 – Globalization and International Development
Essay – Final (Development and Sustainable Agriculture in Central America – A Case Study of Belize)

ARTH 1307 – Art History Prehistoric to Medieval
Final – Roman Verism Portraiture (Note: This is a really awful paper; in the professors feedback she wrote “thesis unclear” and then crossed it out and wrote “thesis missing“. Still got an A, but just a warning.)

ARTH 1308 – Art History Medieval to Modern
Presentation – Las Meninas
Final – Art Comparison

CLAS 1302 – Introduction to Classical Literature
Essay – Ethics in Classical Literature
Essay – The Role of Sex and Power in Jason and the Golden Fleece

COMM 1301 – Introduction to Mass Media*
Project – Follow the Ownership Trail
Project – Media Fast
Final Project – New TV Show

COMM 2302 – Media Interpretation and Criticism
Essay – Ad Analysis
Essay – Media Self-Reflection
Project – Video Project
Essay – Final (On Family Guy – The Narrative and the Postmodern)

COMM 3303 – Media Audiences
Essay – Theodor Adorno Bio
Presentation – Theodor Adorno
Essay – Propaganda Messages in Americas Army

COMM 3322 – International Development*
Essay – National Profile – Belize
Essay – Final (Belizean Agricultrual Dependence)

COMM 3323 – Propaganda and the Media*
Essay – All Quiet on the Western Front Analysis
Essay – America’s Army Analysis (Revised)

COMM 3326 – History of Mass Media*
Literary Review – Character Development in Sitcoms
Essay – Media Study – Race and Gender

COMM 4395 – Communication Major Capstone
Thesis – Developing a Targeted Website (Here’s my entire thesis. Someone please print this out and turn it in as their own in an 100 level communication course and let me know what grade you get!)

ENGL 1302 – Writing Workshop
Essay – On Dishonesty in Integrity
Essay – The Console Divide

ENGL 2304 – American Literature
Essay – Feminism in Trifles
Essay – Native American Representation

FILM 1301 – Introduction to Film
Essay – Hitchcock, North by Northwest, and Suspense

HIST 1371 – African American Literature (For one of these book reviews, I remember asking my roommate to pick random passages for me to quote and put into the essay as a dare. So these are bound to be winners.)
Essay – Aristocrats of Color Book Review
Essay – Blacker the Berry Book Review
Essay – Brownsville Raid Book Review
Essay – Soul on Ice Book Review

MCC 1354 – Video Game Art & Design
Essay (Video Game Design)

PHIL 1301 – Introduction to Philosophy*
Essay (Descartes)

PHIL 1354 – Ethics*
Essay (Kant and Mill)

PHIL 1320 – Classical Philosophy
Midterm Essay (Plato Crito)
Final Essay (Aristotle Nicomachean Ethics)

PHIL 2314 – Philosophy of Film
Presentation – Fight Club
Essay (Appartus)
Essay (Platos Cave Allegory and Film)

PHIL 3331 – Philosophy of the Mind*
Literary Review (Functionalism)
Final Essay (Consciousness as Functionalism)

PHIL 3339 – Epistemology*
Essay – Reflections on Knowledge

14 June 2006

14 Jun

Well, I guess you could say I’m having one of those days. The kind of days that you wish would never happen, the kind you wish you could slam your head into a brick wall about.

One of those type of days.

I woke up today sick and so dizzy I could barely stand. I dragged myself to work at 8 AM and I worked straight until 5:30 PM, holding back potential stomach sickness along the way. Some guy nearly plowed into my car on the way home. I got pulled over by a cop for avoiding the guy who nearly hit me and speeding into the next lane. At least it wasn’t a ticket.

When I got home, I had a message saying my bank account was frozen temporarily. I called up my bank and asked why — apparently my checking account had went 170 something dollars into the red because of a hold on PayPal (which when I talked to the PayPal representative, they said that was an error on somebody’s part because the bank shouldn’t have been alerted; I’m on hold with my bank as we speak.) I have a few checks that will be bouncing if it’s not resolved, so again, I’m waiting patiently.

My PayPal account was also “frozen” until I pay 193 dollars for a chargeback coming from my PayPal account on something I shouldn’t be having to pay back. The PayPal rep said it takes about 75 to 100 days to resolve a dispute, so no PayPal for me. So, until Friday of next week when I can get a paycheck to cover my bank problem, I have my pocket change, a total of $20 in ones and a five. Still, I’m sure that I can get by. I just won’t eat lunch and I’ll borrow some money until then. Further, I hope I can just get it fixed in a few minutes and this was all just a big misunderstanding on the credit card company and my bank and hopefully the person who gave me the money in April without obligation.

Good news is that a person on eBay who I bought over 100 dollars of stuff from last night said it was okay if I paid him with a money order, meaning I can bypass PayPal and not get bad feedback. Other good news is that I got my DS Lite in ala my fancy new raise I got at work. And, I mean, I’ve graduated from school and I’ll be 18 in a short while. Lots to look forward to.

In conclusion, however, today has been a really bad day. And my bank’s waiting music ain’t making it too much better.

21 February 2006

21 Feb

Today was the English Language Arts TAKS test, the pointless and trivial test designed to see if we, the students, have a pulse and can use a pencil. Most important about this day is that I didn’t have to go. We were, however, supposed to come back at 1:50 after the juniors and sophomores finished, but I decided not to.

I have a six page research paper due tommorrow. I practically started the paper at 2 PM and then went to work for a few hours, leaving me at about page three. I don’t know if I really want to finish it, so I may decide to not do anything.

I also bought a new graphics card. It’s a eVGA GeForce 7800 GS CO Superclock. Nerdy, I know. Basically, it means I won’t have to shell out the cash for a PS3 or an XBOX360 because this thing is a lot more powerful.

I’m at the point where I’m coasting through school; my grade shows this. Although, I know it doesn’t matter anymore.

29 July 2004

29 Jul

I’ll be turning 16 on July 31. I already bought my present, a computer upgrade, in June before memory went up in price. I think the only thing I really want is a prints account, but I dunno, no big deal I guess. I will officially be driving my 1977 Porsche 924 Martini Edition without parents. Although, I still blow at driving. I should probably wait a bit.

14 July 2004

14 Jul

Headache. I just got back from the yearbook convention thing in Dallas. I suppose it taught me how to use the layout sheets and introduced me to the computer elements, however, I felt like I was in first grade. Granted, our first assignment was to make a “list of five goals” for the yearbook via tracing your hand. I made mine into a turkey… I remember finding it childish the first time I did it, actually. We were supposed to “think outside the box” and make “creative goals”. My “creative goal” was “Finish the yearbook”.

Tired. Very tired. Haven’t slept much. Tomorrow I have to go into the VIAMedia office. I’m dying here. What day is it again?

Stressed. Today feels like a lonely Sunday. I want to talk to someone about something, but all I have is no one. I’m angry. At Ali, maybe. Who said she would come see me.. who said she didn’t realize it was me. I don’t care about that though. I’ll call her tonight. It was a mishap, I’m sure. I hope.

Logen. Sorry I’m so distant, if you even read this.

23 June 2004

23 Jun

Arrr

Although not exactly intentional, my secret plans of becoming a pirate have been filled! It appears something got in my left eye scratched it… really bad. About the size of a dime scratch, they say. So I’ll be wearing this patch, which completely destroys my ability to see since I happen to be near blind out of the right. Glasses don’t seem to fit well over the patch either.

Back to being a pirate, I should get a membership card in, and this time it’s not just for being a software pirate. Now, I’m going to have to say “arrr” all the time. Although I lack my peg leg, it’s only a matter of time. I can finally sail the seven seas instead of the sailing the seven ISPs

16 April 2004

16 Apr

New sound drivers. I’m in love. So clear, so clear. Now all I need is a set of $400 DTS-certified speakers. The new drivers can enhance clarity of the music a lot more than previous drivers… in a sense that I keep looking around because I keep hearing things.

It’s hot in my room… my parent’s way of cutting back costs. I have $330 dollars sitting in my wallet. Suppose I’ll upgrade my PC and owe cash for a year on it.

I should have went to LAN, I’m entirely too lonely sitting in my room messing with sound drivers.

No, I’m better than that. No more sound drivers… I’ll do something meaningful. Like video tweaking. God, I have no fucking life. None at all. I need to get some friends, collect a group of them, make them respect me, etc. But, I’d rather just have real friends. Still, I like having a social life.

14 March 2004

14 Mar

This game is pretty awful

I am busy at the moment playing Battlefield Vietnam. That is by far one of the coolest games that I have ever played. It comes out in stores some time soon. If you guys want, I’ll set up a server and you can play me when you get it. Mmm, that game rocks. I was mowing down fields of vietnamese. I was lucky enough to log into a server that had lots of people and didn’t cd key check… somehow. Tried it again later and I was denied. Stupid warez. This game is awesome though. I’m gonna buy it as soon as I can… I haven’t bought a game since… 1998 or 1999…

8 February 2004

8 Feb

This was a weird weekend. The same lonely Sunday, but an odd Friday and Saturday. Ever have one of those things where you just can’t place why it’s different, it just is? Well, I suppose you’re not going to answer, as this is a web log with these fake questions. Interesting, nonetheless.

Yes, it's actually pretty nerdy.

I’m not a huge Dungeons and Dragons type of fellow, but this game, Neverwinter Nights, has to be possiblely the coolest time-taking and fun game I’ve played in a long time. My +3 Greatsword can cut Ogres into bits within seconds. Okay, so I admit, it’s sort of nerdy. I get to cut up stuff and steal things, what’s not to like?

I need to get some breakfast. I came back from work… and my hands feel dirty… even when I wash them; it’s a type of feeling that stops you wanting food.

•3:08PM• <lemontea> somebody
•3:08PM• <lemontea> say something
•3:08PM• <lemontea> funny for my web log
•3:08PM• <JMulder> ahaha
•3:08PM• <JMulder> OMG .. my ass is on fire!
•3:08PM• <lemontea> You suck at this game.
•3:08PM• <fleetworks> Lemontea should take his own advice and WTF DIE
•3:08PM• <JMulder> I knew I shouldn’t try to wax my butt hair with a burning candle!
•3:08PM• <lemontea> WTF DIE URE FACE LMAO BBQ
•3:08PM• <JMulder> Was that funny enough?
•3:08PM• <fleetworks> OMG U SUCK KTHNXBAI
•3:09PM• <lemontea> uh
•3:09PM• <lemontea> sure dude
•3:09PM• <Rabbit> that might have been funny, JMulder, but it wasn’t. I’ve seen funnier things than that in the ghetto. Like babies selling crack while pimping.
•3:09PM• <lemontea> that was hysterical
•3:09PM• <Rabbit> Now, that, that is funny.
•3:09PM• <lemontea> :|
•3:09PM• <lemontea> you guys suck at being funny
•3:09PM• <Rabbit> A little black baby whipping crack out of his diaper?
•3:09PM• <Rabbit> lemontea: We could always make walmart jokes.
•3:09PM• <JMulder> Rabbit: well excuse me for not being able to be instantly funny :|
•3:09PM• <Rabbit> Those are funny.
•3:09PM• <fleetworks> I’m funny. Looking that is.
•3:09PM• <lemontea> I agree

I need to laugh.

1 February 2004

1 Feb

Hrm. I decided to update this layout once more. I’ll make it a monthlyish thing.

Got to drive the Porsche today. I love that car. It’s so… mine. Shela. Mmm. Oh, and then I went to a local punkish band’s gig. They were pretty good musically, besides the singing. That could have been left out completely… well, from the low volume of the microphones, I only heard a bit of it. It wasn’t like a huge party and there wasn’t any alcohol, but I still had fun.

Work tommorrow. Like always. Homework tommorrow. Figures.

Met another deviant from DeviantART in ye ol’ Midland. She seems to be pretty cool. pintri was an intriguing Deviant name selection. Ok, now I will update some iframes and recode some javascripts and then call it a night. Nerdy? Yes. Profitable? Hell yes.

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