7 February 2005

Gotta love The Donnas. I’ve been doing some thinking, and I think everything lately is the result of a stupid handwriting test. I was encouraged to take it by a friend, and I thought it would be a neat waste of time. Amazing what handwriting can show about a person, it seems. My handwriting is the core of myself.

So maybe, let’s just take this hypothetically, I’ve always been this way? Or have I changed my handwriting after Magnolia? Well, being me, I pulled my old notebooks full of who I “used to be”. And, it’s the same way. May just be that situation kind of tapped a nerve with me. Who knows, really.

And this time of the year is always the hardest for me. There’s always something to make things depressing. Haven’t talked to Amber and Ali has completely gone away. And the other girl’s, the ones that read this journal, well, I won’t say too much about their futures.

If Logen isn’t enough for me, who is? You know, that was my ultimate definition of what a girl should be. I’m sure I’ll look back on this in five years (if I last that long) and think that I was just a confused kid. And, I am. I hate reading these things later. Shows how much I was an idiot. And this is one of my problems, my main problem: I beat myself up over the past. I will continue to do this, forever. It’s a part of me, I recognize that. I still remember certain things from my life, that I will never let myself forget.

Lying to my Karate instructor, for example. That whole thing seems so trivial now, but I hate myself for being such a little kid. What was I, ten? Who cares? But, it’s the later events that get to me even more. I can’t stand it.

Kingwood, where I was still the kid; Magnolia, where I was still the kid; Midland, where I am still the kid. And I still think that you wouldn’t understand me completely, as I sure the hell can’t. I joke about who I was, and my experiences, but… they just hurt me.

But in a few weeks, I’ll be happy again. This is just a temporary thing. One of those things I’ll look back on and beat myself up for being such an emotional little crybaby. Any idea what’s wrong with me?

In other news, Lorelei said I wouldn’t work. Maybe this is largely a flaw on my part. Yet another “no”. Apparently, I looked incredibly unhappy today at school, as everyone asked me what was wrong. Even people on the phone did. I suppose I iniciated the conversation in which she told me no on Logen’s suggestion. Maybe a good idea on my part, but otherwise, a terrible pain as well. Everyone I like falls through the cracks. If only I was better, she’d probably like me. But, I guess I’m just another nothing special that she briefly experimented with. Which is bullshit. Called it “leading” me on. Well, I call it fucking me over, actually. Well, I’m still her friend, but she should have realized not to go that way if she didn’t want to hurt me. “No” is a word best said at the start of things, not later on. At least with me. Maybe other guys are used to it, but when I pick somebody, I have my own damn reasons and if you can’t realize that I am not like other guys, well, you’re blind.

I’d care for her, since I really enjoy her. She’s everything I want. And I don’t want much, but what I do want is so rare. I also told Lorelei that Logen and herself are similar because of their differences. They don’t realize it, but it’s quite true. Lorelei has a social disorder in large part, but also her nature, it’s a disorder on all levels. But it was formed after some time of living, like her terribly unskilled lying. Unlike Logen, who has her personality because she is naturally that way. Think chemical and physical changes: completely different, but they can produce the same results in the right conditions.

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