So this is one of the stories I had intended to write a long time ago, but never got around to it and then forgot about it completely until Emily reminded me about it the other day.
In sophomore year of college, I was living with Dan in the Trinity dorms. Although we’re pretty much bros for life, no homo, we started really getting on each other’s nerves and the only way to solve our differences was by pranking each other, and our suitemates, Andrew and Mike. I don’t really know how it started or who was the initial cause, but I definitely remember being locked in the closet once and Dan having all his belongings super glued to the desk. KJ, one of the baseball guys and our friend, actually pranked me pretty good by putting mashed potatoes in my sheets and pillowcase. This was when I was briefly dating Emily, and it definitely made things very awkward — but memorable. The escalation of these pranks turned into a phrase called “Total War”, which basically meant that we were about to turn on each other — all bets were off.
The most memorable prank ever, and probably the greatest prank in the history of human sentience, was on Dan and his crush, some girl named Shelby (who we jokingly called “Cholbi” for some reason…). While Dan was taking a shower one day, I grabbed his phone and changed my name in to the girl’s, so that they looked identical. I actually had to write a research paper that day, so I headed across campus to the library and started researching. I decided this was the perfect time to test and see if he would be able to tell if it was me texting him or the girl, so I sent him a message that invited him to study at the library with her.
Of course, Dan, being the ladies man he was, took up the offer and said he would come to the library at the far end of campus. While this was happening I was on the second story of the library researching for my paper when I saw Emily and we started talking and procrastinating. I let her know about the prank and she decided to stay and watch. When Dan finally got to the library, I told him that she was downstairs and to come find her. When he couldn’t, I said that she went upstairs. In the process of about 20 minutes, he walked around looking for her. Then Emily and I saw him wandering around aimlessly, so we called him over and said hey. I’m pretty sure I was smiling the whole time and Emily was trying her best to be serious (that’s hard to Emily). I asked what he was doing and he coyly just said he was studying, looking for some books. Yeah right, Dan — good cover.
So, after he left, I sent a text to him telling him to meet me at Coates, the university student center, which is a good walk from the library. He did that and when he got there, he texted back asking again where she was, and I replied saying she was in the bathroom and to just wait. So Dan did. For like 35 minutes. Later on, he responded with “I’m going to kill you. Total war.”
I’m sure he pranked me back, but how could anything live up to that? Dan, you got punked.