4 May 2008

I think I have a problem

Well, it’s finally May and I’m almost done. Just this week of finals and I can go home and relax for a day before I start work. Hopefully I make a ton of money this summer to cover next year’s purchases. The biggest setback in terms of money this year hasn’t even been party expenses but rather videogames. I probably bought 6 games (6 x 60 = 360 dollars!) and I think I came into school with about 180 dollars. Weird how I managed that one. Lots of well placed bets and credit card payments. That said, I recently bought Grand Theft Auto 4, which happens to be amazing. It really threw off my ability to get these final papers done. On top of the already huge feelings of indifference towards these classes, along with the desire to get out of school at all costs, this game has come along and crushed any will I had to work. I will probably be suffering the consequences of this later, but I don’t really find myself caring. I just want out.

In other news, that special girl I found turned to not be so special. Figures. This sort of thing always happens. Reading this journal is like a comedy because I always mention people who end up being little importance in my life. I suppose that Logen has been my most dependable real life friend. She’s been with me since 2003 and she still hasn’t got rid of me. I miss her.

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14 August 2006

I guess I should repeat that last post: ____ was a blur. July was, at least. To recap, I turned 18. I did fun things for my birthday like update my driver’s license and set up some bank accounts. Very fun. Otherwise, that’s a recap of July as far as I know.

But since this is August, I should get to the exciting August news. I met with Logen, which was nice. I got signed on to deviantART as creative staff (and we’ll see how that goes). I think I’ve probably got the best boss in the world… although, now I feel afraid to act like myself around the community. I finally got a new door, one that isn’t a folding one, installed in the place where the old one was violently broken from its hinge. Privacy for three solid days.

While installing the door, I sliced my finger up pretty nicely on a wood chisel. Basically, it’s a super sharp knife — it cuts through wood, it cuts through flesh even easier. So while I finally got it to stop bleeding, the bandaid had to stay on or else the bleeding would start anew. At this point, my finger looks disgusting. Absolutely disgusting. I don’t even want to explain how waterlogged, destroyed, and inflamed this thing is. Well, I guess I sort of just did. Regardless, it’s 7:38 AM and this thing hurts so bad I can’t sleep. Ouch.

In other news, college is three days away. How weird is that? I started this log in my freshman year, and here it is, time to leave. I’ll probably still continue this log to some extent, but its main purpose was to convey how much I absolutely hated high school. No wait, hate high school; that feeling of sickness will always be with me. My mom has taken off this entire week, and she’s starting to freak out. She picked up smoking again. Well, that’s just great. Hopefully she will stop soon. My dad keeps saying “X days left! You’ll be in college,” — and that pisses my mom off to no end. “Nailing the coffin shut!”

Maybe she’s right in a way. Nailing it shut. Guess I’ll need to bring a crowbar back with me for the summer.

7 February 2005

Gotta love The Donnas. I’ve been doing some thinking, and I think everything lately is the result of a stupid handwriting test. I was encouraged to take it by a friend, and I thought it would be a neat waste of time. Amazing what handwriting can show about a person, it seems. My handwriting is the core of myself.

So maybe, let’s just take this hypothetically, I’ve always been this way? Or have I changed my handwriting after Magnolia? Well, being me, I pulled my old notebooks full of who I “used to be”. And, it’s the same way. May just be that situation kind of tapped a nerve with me. Who knows, really.

And this time of the year is always the hardest for me. There’s always something to make things depressing. Haven’t talked to Amber and Ali has completely gone away. And the other girl’s, the ones that read this journal, well, I won’t say too much about their futures.

If Logen isn’t enough for me, who is? You know, that was my ultimate definition of what a girl should be. I’m sure I’ll look back on this in five years (if I last that long) and think that I was just a confused kid. And, I am. I hate reading these things later. Shows how much I was an idiot. And this is one of my problems, my main problem: I beat myself up over the past. I will continue to do this, forever. It’s a part of me, I recognize that. I still remember certain things from my life, that I will never let myself forget.

Lying to my Karate instructor, for example. That whole thing seems so trivial now, but I hate myself for being such a little kid. What was I, ten? Who cares? But, it’s the later events that get to me even more. I can’t stand it.

Kingwood, where I was still the kid; Magnolia, where I was still the kid; Midland, where I am still the kid. And I still think that you wouldn’t understand me completely, as I sure the hell can’t. I joke about who I was, and my experiences, but… they just hurt me.

But in a few weeks, I’ll be happy again. This is just a temporary thing. One of those things I’ll look back on and beat myself up for being such an emotional little crybaby. Any idea what’s wrong with me?

In other news, Lorelei said I wouldn’t work. Maybe this is largely a flaw on my part. Yet another “no”. Apparently, I looked incredibly unhappy today at school, as everyone asked me what was wrong. Even people on the phone did. I suppose I iniciated the conversation in which she told me no on Logen’s suggestion. Maybe a good idea on my part, but otherwise, a terrible pain as well. Everyone I like falls through the cracks. If only I was better, she’d probably like me. But, I guess I’m just another nothing special that she briefly experimented with. Which is bullshit. Called it “leading” me on. Well, I call it fucking me over, actually. Well, I’m still her friend, but she should have realized not to go that way if she didn’t want to hurt me. “No” is a word best said at the start of things, not later on. At least with me. Maybe other guys are used to it, but when I pick somebody, I have my own damn reasons and if you can’t realize that I am not like other guys, well, you’re blind.

I’d care for her, since I really enjoy her. She’s everything I want. And I don’t want much, but what I do want is so rare. I also told Lorelei that Logen and herself are similar because of their differences. They don’t realize it, but it’s quite true. Lorelei has a social disorder in large part, but also her nature, it’s a disorder on all levels. But it was formed after some time of living, like her terribly unskilled lying. Unlike Logen, who has her personality because she is naturally that way. Think chemical and physical changes: completely different, but they can produce the same results in the right conditions.

6 November 2004

The moral of the story is… For all logical reasons, I have been turned down. Again. You know, girls suck. Really bad. And all the time. But hey, there’s always a chance right? Well, more or less, no, there isn’t. But if there is…

I think it’s because I really liked this one: something unique. But eh, I’ll deal with it. I think I’ve lost my ways of winning battles. I was too … slow… to even do anything. Although, beating said friend into a bloody mess, that would be fun. “Dude, I was here first.” “Yea, I heard you like her.” “Yea, I do.” “Hey, what can I say man, it’s in my profile.” “You fucker.”

But, I spiked my hair really well today. And that made me happy. Back to ignoring people. God, I hate people. More specifically, I hate Midland people.

This weekend, I sleep. And I’ll watch Forrest Gump and laugh. Ah, good ol’ days.

30 October 2004

Logen and I. I was a Nazi. Bright ideas, this kid.

As if my face wasn’t scare enough, Halloween is upon us once again. Last year I paraded about as a Nazi (the eqiuvalent of going as Osama or the devil, as far as I am concerned). This year, I will go as… nothing, since I’m not going. But nevertheless, I am buying big on Monday when all the Halloween candy is 1/6th the original price at stores

28 October 2004

My room is dark and cold. Something of an oddity for my room. I’m trying to learn German. (To impress the German girl? — I’m not sure.)

I will call this German girl, Sabina, tommorrow. I bet, if anything, she will give me an outstanding “No.”, something I have been subject to for quite a while. If not, I think I can really have fun with her. Maybe show her that not all of Midland is this boring and slow. How? Not sure.

I’ve been having weird dreams lately. I must be drifting in and out of reality all through the day.

I really rather like Sabina — she is so new and exciting. So… normal, as I recall what normal is.

There is a girl that looks just like my Logen in my English class. Well, the features are similar. Her laugh is similar, and she’s also into literature and sports. I think I found a match; but I’d rather have the real thing.

And Ali, Ali said she will be back in Texas and will stop by in a few months. That’s good to hear.

You know, it just crossed me… if I ask Sabina out on Halloween to do something fun, I better come up with an alternative costume idea. Haha, that’s hilarious. First smile of the day.